求英文幽默或哲理小故事
Letmetakeitdown
Anelephantsaidtoamouse,"nodoubtthatyouarethesmallestzndmostuselessthingthatIhaveeverseen."
"Pless,sayitagain.Letmetakeitdown."themousesaid."IwilltellafleawhatIknow."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
Anoldsoldieroftentoldhisgardenabouthispastwarexploits.
"OnceImetwithadozenenemysol-diersandtookthemprisonerssinglehand-ed."
"Itwashalfadozenenemysoldierswhenyoutoldmethestorylastyear.Butwhyhaveyouaddedsomanymorethistime?"
"Yousillylad.Youwereyoungerlastyear,andIwasafraidtofrightenyou."
Whilewisitingthecemetery,asorrowfulcouplenoticedaheadstone,whichread,"hereliesalawyerandahonestnan"."lookatthat",thewomansaid,"money'ssotightthey'reputtingthentwoinagrave."
LawyerJokes:
Amanvisitingagraveyardsawatombstonethatread,"HereliesJohnKelly,alawyerandanhonestman.""Howaboutthat!"heexclaimed."They'vegotthreepeopleburiedinonegrave."
__________________________________
ThesearefromabookcalledDisorderintheCourt,andare
thingspeopleactuallysaidincourt,wordforword,takendownand
nowpublishedby
courtreporters-whohadthetormentofstayingcalmwhile
theseexchangeswereactuallytakingplace.
__________________________________
Q:Whatisyourdateofbirth?
A:July15th.
Q:Whatyear?
A:Everyyear.
Q:Howoldisyourson,theonelivingwithyou?
A:Thirty-eightorthirty-five,Ican'trememberwhich.
Q:Howlonghashelivedwithyou?
A:Forty-fiveyears.
_________________________________
Q:Whatwasthefirstthingyourhusbandsaidtoyouwhenhe
wokeupthatmorning?
A:Hesaid,"WhereamI,Cathy?"
Q:Andwhydidthatupsetyou?
A:MynameisSusan.
_________________________________
Q:Howwasyourfirstmarriageterminated?
A:Bydeath.
__________________________________
Q:Isyourappearanceherethismorningpursuanttoa
depositionnoticewhichIsenttoyourattorney?
A:No,thisishowIdresswhenIgotowork.
__________________________________
Q:Doctor,beforeyouperformedtheautopsy,didyoucheckfor
apulse?
A:No.
Q:Didyoucheckforbloodpressure?
A:No.
Q:Didyoucheckforbreathing?
A:No.
Q:So,thenitispossiblethatthepatientwasalivewhenyou
begantheautopsy?
A:No.
Q:Howcanyoubesosure,Doctor?
A:Becausehisbrainwassittingonmydeskinajar.
Q:Butcouldthepatienthavestillbeenalive,nevertheless?
A:Yes,itispossiblethathecouldhavebeenaliveandpracticinglaw.
A:Nicetomeetyou.
B:Nicetomeetyou,too.
C:Nicetomeetyou,three.
AnArtist
Anartistaskedthegalleryowneriftherehadbeenanyinterestinhispaintingsondisplayatthattime.
"Ihavegoodnewsandbadnews,"theownerreplied."Thegoodnewsisthatagentlemanenquiredaboutyourworkand
wonderedifitwouldappreciateinvalueafteryourdeath.WhenItoldhimitwould,heboughtall15ofyourpaintings."
"That'swonderful,"theartistexclaimed."What'sthebadnews?"
Anoldsoldieroftentoldhisgardenabouthispastwarexploits.
"OnceImetwithadozenenemysol-diersandtookthemprisonerssinglehand-ed."
"Itwashalfadozenenemysoldierswhenyoutoldmethestorylastyear.Butwhyhaveyouaddedsomanymorethistime?"
"Yousillylad.Youwereyoungerlastyear,andIwasafraidtofrightenyou
BUYINGAHAT
Aladywenttoahatshoptobuyahat.Asshewasveryfussy,ittookheralongtimetopickonone.Alreadyattheendofhispatiencethesalesmanwasafraidthatshemightchangehermindagainsohetriedtoflatterher:"Anexcellentchoice,madam.Youlookatleasttenyearsyoungerwiththishaton!"Tohisdismay,theladytookoffherhatatonceandsaid:"Idon'twantahatthatmakesmelooktenyearsolderassoonasItakeitoff.Showmesomemorehats!"
I'MNOTHAVINGITALLCUTOFF.
Milessometimewenttothebarber'sduringworkinghourstohavehishaircut.Butthiswasagainsttheofficerules:clerkshadtohavetheirhaircutintheirowntime.WhileMileswasatthebarber'soneday,themanageroftheofficecameinbychancetohavehisownhaircutandsatjustbesidehim.
"Hello,Miles,"themanagersaid."Iseethatyouarehavingyourhaircutinofficetime."
"Yes,sir,Iam,"admittedMilescalmly."Yousee,sir,itgrowsinofficetime."
"Notallofit,"saidthemanageratonce."Someofitgrowsinyourowntime."
"Yes,sir,that'squitetrue."AnsweredMilespolitely,"butI'mnothavingitallcutoff."
Buttheteachercried
Thesix-year-oldJohnwasterriblyspoiled.Hisfatherknewit,buthisgrandmadotedonhim.Hehardlyleftherside.Andwhenhewantedanything,heeithercriedorthrewatempertantrum.Thencamehisfirstdayofschool,hisfirstdayawayfromhisgrandmother'slovingarms.
Whenhecamehomefromschoolhisgrandmamethimatthedoor.
"Wasschoolallright?"sheasked,"Didyougetalongallright?didyoucry?"
"Cry?"Johnasked."No,Ididn'tcry,buttheteacherdid!"
Thedifferencebetweenmenandwomen
Jockwasdrivingupasteep,narrow,tortuous,Scottishmountainroad.Awomanwasdrivingdownthesameroadintheoppositedirection.
Astheypasseachotherthewomanleantoutthewindowandshouted:"PIG!!"
Jockimmediatelyleantouthiswindowandrepliedwith"BITCH!!"
Theyeachcontinueontheirway,butasJockroundedthenextcornerheranintoapiginthemiddleoftheroad....
TheClock
HillaryClintondiedandwenttoheaven.AsshestoodinfrontofSt.PeteratthePearlyGatesshesawahugewallofclocksbehindhim.
Sheasked,"Whatareallthoseclocks?"
StPeteranswered,"ThoseareLie-Clocks.EveryoneonEarthhasaLie-Clock.Everytimeyouliethehandsonyourclockwillmove."
"Oh,"saidHillary,"whoseclockisthat?"
"That'smotherTheresa's.Thehandshavenevermovedindicatingthatshenevertoldalie."
"Whoseclockisthat?""That'sAbrahamLincoln'sclock.ThehandshaveonlymovedtwicetellingusthatAbeonlytold2liesinhisentirelife."
"Whereisbill'sclock?"Hillaryasked.
"Bill'sclockisinJesus'office.Heisusingitasaceilingfan."
OneEngineLeft
A747washalfwayacrosstheAtlanticwhenthecaptaingotontheloudspeaker,"Attention,passengers.Wehavelostoneofourengines,butwecancertainlyreachLondonwiththethreewehaveleft.Unfortunately,wewillarriveanhourlateasaresult."
Shortlythereafter,thepassengersheardthecaptain'svoiceagain,"Guesswhat,folks.Wejustlostourthirdengine,butpleasebeassuredwecanflywithonlyone.WewillnowarriveinLondonthreehourslate."
Atthispoint,onepassengerbecamefurious."ForPete'ssake,"heshouted,"Ifweloseanotherengine,we'llbeuphereallnight!"
InthemorningMr.smithcomesintothegardenatthebackofhishouse.Heseesmuchsnow(雪)inthegarden.Mr.smithwantstotakehiscarout,soheasksamantocleantheroadfromhisgarage(车库)tothegate(大门).Hesaystotheman,”Don'tthrowanysnowonthatside.Itwilldamage(损坏)flowersinthestreet,orthepolicemanwillcome.”Thenhegoesout.
Whenhecomesback,theroadisclean.Thereisnosnowontheflowers,onthewallorinthestreet.Butwhenheopenthegarage,heseesthegarageisfullofsnow(被雪充满),thesnowfromtheroad,andhiscarisunderthesnow!
AbeautifulyoungblondewomanboardsaplanetoLAwithaticketforthecoachsection.Shelooksattheseatsincoachandthenlooksaheadtothefirstclassseats.Seeingthatthefirstclassseatsappeartobemuchlargerandmorecomfortable,shemovesforwardtothelastemptyone.Theflightattendantchecksherticketandtellsthewomanthatherseatisincoach.
Theblondereplies,"I'myoung,blondeandbeautiful,andI'mgoingtosithereallthewaytoLA."
Flustered,theflightattendantgoestothecockpitandinformsthecaptainoftheblondeproblem.Thecaptaingoesbackandtellsthewomanthatherassignedseatisincoach.
Again,theblondereplies,"I'myoung,blondeandbeautiful,andI'mgoingtosithereallthewaytoLA."
Thecaptaindoesn'twanttocauseacommotion,andsoreturnstothecockpittodiscusstheblondewiththeco-pilot.Theco-pilotsaysthathehasablondegirlfriend,andthathecantakecareoftheproblem.Hethengoesbackandbrieflywhisperssomethingintotheblonde'sear.
Sheimmediatelygetsup,says,"Thankyousomuch,"hugstheco-pilot,andrushesbacktoherseatinthecoachsection.Thepilotandflightattendant,whowerewatchingwithraptattention,togetherasktheco-pilotwhathehadsaidtothewoman.
Hereplies,"Ijusttoldherthatthefirstclasssectionisn'tgoingtoLA."
英语幽默笑话：
一：SheDidn"tSayAnything
AmotherandsonwerewashingdisheswhilethefatheranddaughterwerewatchingTVintheroom.Suddenly,therewasacrashofbreakingdishes,thencompletesilence.
Thegirllookedatherfatherandsaid,“Itwasmom”。
“Howdoyouknow?”askedherfather.
“Shedidn"tsayanything.”
二：IHaveTurnedItOver
Awomansaidtoherhusband,“dear,lookatoursheet!It"stoodirty.Wouldyouliketowashitnow?”
Themanlookedatthesheetandthenthoughtforawhileandthensaid,“Idon"tthinkit"snecessary.Wecanturnthesheetover.Isthatallright?”
三、40overLilotusheartdiseasearisessuddenly,isescortedtothehospitalfirstaid.Theconditionextremelytoobad,theLilotusfeltoneselfnearlyallalreadydied.
Intherescue,theLilotushasheardGod'ssoundsuddenly:"Youcannotdie,youalsomaylivefor45years6months02days,hasthecouragetogoonliving!"
Certainly,theresultwastheLilotusmiracleisrevived.Afterthebodyrecovers,theLilotusthoughtoneselfalsocanliveformorethan40years,then□hasanxiouslyisleavingthehospital,firstrepairstheface,thenmakesupthelip,thenistheprosperouschest,finallyisthethinabdomen,continuouslyhasundergone4cosmetologysurgeriesaltogether,thenwascalledthespecializedhairstylisttovisittheservice,changedhassentthecolor,hasmadethenewtidehairstyle,theentirestaturelookedat□theyoungseveralyearsold.
Afterlastthereshapingsurgerycompletes,theLilotusthenhappilyhandledleftthehospitaltheprocedure,□thoughtactuallytheambulancewhichrapidly驶过by撞死intheentrance.
Aftertheheaven,theLilotushasbeenangryinterrogatesGod:"SinceyouhadsaidIalsomaylivefor45years,thenyoushouldnoteattheword."
Godawkwardly耸了耸肩,replies:"Reallyissorry,atthattime,thevehiclehitwhenyou......Ihavenotrecognizedamyou."
英语笑话这里面有的，可以看看：
http://www.sxuu.com/loveu/Article/english/yyxx/200508/22000.html
英语幽默
双关歇后语：）~
http://www.sxszjzx.com/~t207/wht_2.htm
Teacher:Whyareyoulateforschooleverymorning?
Tom:EverytimeIcometothecorner,asignsays,"School-Goslow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
DoYouKnowMyWork？
Onenightahotelcaughtfire，andthepeoplewhowerestayinginitranoutintheirnightclothes．
Twomenstoodoutsideandlookedatthefire．
“BeforeIcameout，”saidone，“Iranintosomeoftheroomsandfoundalotofmoney．Peopledon'tthinkofmoneywhenthey'reafraid．Whenanyoneleavespapermoneyinafire，thefireburnsit．SoItookallthebillsthatIcouldfind．NoonewillbepoorerbecauseItookthem．”
“Youdon'tknowmywork，”saidtheother．
“Whatisyourwork？”
“I'mapoliceman．
“Oh！”criedthefirstman．Hethoughtquicklyandsaid，“Anddoyouknowmywork？”“No，”saidthepoliceman．
“I'mawriter．I'malwaystellingstoriesaboutthingsthatneverhappened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Whoisthelaziest
Father:Well,Jack,Italkedwithyourteachertoday.AndnowIwanttoaskyouaquestion,Whoisthelaziestpersoninyourclass?
Jack:Idon`tknow,father.
Father:Oh,think!Whenotherboysandgirlsarereadingandwirting,whositsquietlyandonlywatchhowotherpeopleword?
Jack:Ourteacher,father.
更多的请点击参考资料链接。
谢谢！
英语幽默故事(尽量长一点)
1.ANailOrAFly?
Anoldgentlemanwhoseeyesightwasfailingcametostayinahotelroomwithabottleofwineineachhand.Onthewalltherewasaflywhichhetookforanail.Sothemomenthehungthemon,thebottlesfellbrokenandthewinespiltalloverthefloor.Whenawaitressdiscoveredwhathadhappened,sheshoweddeepsympathyforhimanddecidedtodohimafavour.
Sothenextmorningwhenhewasouttakingawalkintheroofgarden,shehammeredanailexactlywheretheflyhadstayed.
Nowtheoldmanenteredhisroom.Thesmellofthespiltwineremindedhimoftheaccident.Whenhelookedupatthewall,hefoundtheflywasthereagain!Hewalkedtoitcarefullyadnslappeditwithallhisstrength.Onhearingaloudcry,thekind-heartedwaitressrushedin.Tohergreatsurprise,thepooroldmanwastheresittingonthefloor,histeethclenchedandhisrighthandbleeding!
钉子还是苍蝇？
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。
2.ASoldier'sbrilliantIdea
Mr.Robinsonhadtotravelsomewhereonbusiness,andashewasinahurry,hedecidedtogobyair.Helikedsittingbesideawindowwhenhewasflying,sowhenhegotontotheplane,helookedforawindowseat.Hefoundallofthemhadalreadyhadbeentakenexceptforone.Therewasasoldiersittingintheseatbesidethisone,andMr.Robinsonwassurprisedthathehadnottakentheonebythewindow;but,anyhow,heatoncewenttowardsit.
Whenhereachedit,however,hesawthattherewasanoticeonit.Itwaswrittenininkandsaid,"Thisseatispreservedforproperloadbalance,thankyou."MrRobinsonhadneverseensuchanunusualnoticeinaplanebefore,buthethoughtthattheplanemustbecarryingsomethingparticularlyheavyinit,sohewalkedonandfoundanotheremptyseat,notbesideawindow,tositin.
Twoorthreepeopletriedtositinthewindowseatbesidethesoldier,buttheytooreadthenoticeandwenton,whentheplanewasnearlyfull,averybeautifulgirlhurriedintotheplane.Thesoldier,whowaswatchingthepassengerscomingin,quicklytookthenoticeofftheseatbesidehimselfandinthiswaysucceededinhavingthecompanyofthegirlduringthewholetrip.
士兵的高招
由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。
然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。
又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。
3.
ABadImpression
Sixpeopleweretravellinginacompartmentonatrain.Fiveofthemwerequietandwellbehaved,butthesixthwasarudeyoungmanwhowascausingalotoftroubletotheotherpassengers.
Atlastthisyoungmangotoutatastationwithhistwoheavybags.Noneoftheotherpassengershelpedhim,butoneofthemwaiteduntiltherudeyoungmanwasveryfarawayandthenopenedthewindowandshoutedtohim,"Youleftsomethingbehindinthecompartment!"Thenheclosedthewindowagain.
Theyoungmantrunedaroundandhurriedbackwithhistwobags.Hewasverytiredwhenhearrived,butheshoutedthroughthewindow,"WhatdidIleavebehind?"
Asthetrainbegantomoveagain,thepassengerwhohadcalledhimbackopenedthewindowandsaid,"Averybadimpression!"
一个坏印象
有六个人搭乘火车旅行，坐在同一车箱内。其中五个很安静，也很规矩。但第六个是个粗鲁的年轻人，给其他乘客招惹了许多麻烦。
最后，这位年轻人在一个车站带着两个沉重的皮箱下了车。没有一个旅客帮他的忙。有个人一直等到这位粗鲁的年轻人走得很远了，才打开窗户，对着他大声喊：“你把东西留在车厢里了!”然后，又把窗户关了起来。
年轻人转过身子，拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆赶了回来。他转回来时，显得非常疲倦，对着窗户大声喊：“我把什么东西留在车上了？”
当火车再次启动时，叫他回来的旅客打开窗户说：“一个极坏的印象!”
4.Asmugglar
Thesuspicious-lookingmandroveuptotheborder,wherehewasgreetedbyasentry.Whentheguardlookedinthetrunk,hewassurprisedtofindsixsacksbulgingattheseams.
"What'sinhere?"heasked.
"Dirt,"thedriverreplied.
"Takethemout,"theguardinstructed."Iwanttocheckthem."
Obliging,themanremovedthebags,andsureenough,eachoneofthemcontainednothingbutdirt.Reluctantly,theguardlethimgo.
Aweeklaterthemancameback,andonceagain,thesentrylookedinthetruck.
"What'sinthebagsthistime?"heasked.
"Dirt,moredirt."saidtheman.
Notbelievinghim,theguardcheckedthesacksand,onceagain,hefoundnothingbutsoil.
Thesamethinghappenedeveryweekforsixmonths,anditfinallybecamesofrustratingtotheguardthathequitandbecameabartender.Thenonenight,thesuspicious-lookingfellowhappenedtostopbyforadrink.Hurryingovertohim,theformerguardsaid,"Listen,pal,drinksareonthehousetonightifyou'lldomeafavor:Justtellmewhatthehellyouweresmugglingallthattime."
Grinningbroadly,themanleanedclosetothebartender'searandwhispered,"Cars."
走私犯
一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。
“里面装的是什么？”他问道。
“土。”司机回答。
“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”
那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。
一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。
“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。
“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。
哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。
同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”
那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”
英语幽默小故事,要带翻译,3-4分钟。
ThePolicemanandtheThief
Once,anewpolicemancaughtathiefinasmalltown,anddecidedtobringhimbacktothepolicestationinthecity.Ontheirwaytheycametoashopwherebreadwassold.“Wehavenofood,andwemustbehungryafterawhile.Letmegointotheshopandbuysomebreadforus.Waithereforme.”Thethiefsaid.
Thepolicemanagreedwithhimandwaitedinthestreetforalongtime,butthiefdidn’tcomeoutoftheshop.Thepolicemanbegantobeworried,andranintotheshop,hecouldn’tseethethiefbutthebackdooroftheshop.
Thepolicemanhadtogobacktothepolicestationalone,andhewasveryunhappy.
Luckily,thepolicemancaughtthethiefatthesameplacethenextday.When.theywalkedthoughthesamestreetandthesameshop,“Waithere,”saidthepoliceman“Lasttimeyouranawayfromtheshop.Thistime,I’llgointotheshopandbuythebread,andyoumustwaithereforme.”
警察与小偷
一次，一个新上任的警察在小镇上抓住了一个小偷，他决定把这小偷押送到城里警察局去。在路上，他们路过了一家面包店。“我们没带吃的，呆会儿肯定会饿的，让我去给咱们买点面包。你在这等等我啊。”小偷说道。
警察同意了，并在街上等了很长一段时间，但是，小偷一直没有从商店出来。警察开始担心了，他跑进商店，除了一扇开着的后门，他什么也没看见。
警察不得不很郁闷的独自回到了警察局。
幸运的是第二天，他在同一地方又抓住了那小偷。当他们路过同一条街，同一家商店时，“在这等着我，”警察说道，“上次，你从这家商店溜了，这次，我去买面包，你必须在这等我！”
附赠http://tieba.baidu.com/f?kz=157224760还有很多个
