求英语课上用来演讲的笑话
分类:休闲/爱好>>幽默滑稽
问题描述:
2分钟左右，中英对照
解析:
Letmetakeitdown
Anelephantsaidtoamouse,"nodoubtthatyouarethe***allestzndmostuselessthingthatIhaveeverseen."
"Pless,sayitagain.Letmetakeitdown."themousesaid."IwilltellafleawhatIknow."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
Anoldsoldieroftentoldhisgardenabouthispastwarexploits.
"OnceImetwithadozenenemysol-diersandtookthemprisonerssinglehand-ed."
"Itwashalfadozenenemysoldierswhenyoutoldmethestorylastyear.Butwhyhaveyouaddedsomanymorethistime?"
"Yousillylad.Youwereyoungerlastyear,andIwasafraidtofrightenyou."
Whilewisitingthecemetery,asorrowfulcouplenoticedaheadstone,whichread,"hereliesalawyerandahonestnan"."lookatthat",thewomansaid,"money'ssotightthey'reputtingthenoinagrave."
LawyerJokes:
Amanvisitingagraveyardsawatombstonethatread,"HereliesJohnKelly,alawyerandanhonestman.""Howaboutthat!"heexclaimed."They'vegotthreepeopleburiedinonegrave."
__________________________________
ThesearefromabookcalledDisorderintheCourt,andare
thingspeopleactuallysaidincourt,wordforword,takendownand
nowpublishedby
courtreporters-whohadthetormentofstayingcalmwhile
theseexchangeswereactuallytakingplace.
__________________________________
Q:Whatisyourdateofbirth?
A:July15th.
Q:Whatyear?
A:Everyyear.
Q:Howoldisyourson,theonelivingwithyou?
A:Thirty-eightorthirty-five,Ican'trememberwhich.
Q:Howlonghashelivedwithyou?
A:Forty-fiveyears.
_________________________________
Q:Whatwasthefirstthingyourhu***andsaidtoyouwhenhe
wokeupthatmorning?
A:Hesaid,"WhereamI,Cathy?"
Q:Andwhydidthatupsetyou?
A:MynameisSusan.
_________________________________
Q:Howwasyourfirstmarriageterminated?
A:Bydeath.
__________________________________
Q:Isyourappearanceherethismorningpursuanttoa
depositionnoticewhichIsenttoyourattorney?
A:No,thisishowIdresswhenIgotowork.
__________________________________
Q:Doctor,beforeyouperformedtheautopsy,didyoucheckfor
apulse?
A:No.
Q:Didyoucheckforbloodpressure?
A:No.
Q:Didyoucheckforbreathing?
A:No.
Q:So,thenitispossiblethatthepatientwasalivewhenyou
begantheautopsy?
A:No.
Q:Howcanyoubesosure,Doctor?
A:Becausehisbrainwassittingonmydeskinajar.
Q:Butcouldthepatienthavestillbeenalive,nevertheless?
A:Yes,itispossiblethathecouldhavebeenaliveandpracticinglaw.
A:Nicetomeetyou.
B:Nicetomeetyou,too.
C:Nicetomeetyou,three.
AnArtist
Anartistaskedthegalleryowneriftherehadbeenanyinterestinhispaintingsondisplayatthattime.
"Ihavegoodnewsandbadnews,"theownerreplied."Thegoodnewsisthatagentlemanenquiredaboutyourworkand
wonderedifitwouldappreciateinvalueafteryourdeath.WhenItoldhimitwould,heboughtall15ofyourpaintings."
"That'swonderful,"theartistexclaimed."What'sthebadnews?"
Anoldsoldieroftentoldhisgardenabouthispastwarexploits.
"OnceImetwithadozenenemysol-diersandtookthemprisonerssinglehand-ed."
"Itwashalfadozenenemysoldierswhenyoutoldmethestorylastyear.Butwhyhaveyouaddedsomanymorethistime?"
"Yousillylad.Youwereyoungerlastyear,andIwasafraidtofrightenyou
BUYINGAHAT
Aladywenttoahatshoptobuyahat.Asshewasveryfussy,ittookheralongtimetopickonone.Alreadyattheendofhispatiencethesale***anwasafraidthatshemightchangehermindagainsohetriedtoflatterher:"Anexcellentchoice,madam.Youlookatleasttenyearsyoungerwiththishaton!"Tohisdi***ay,theladytookoffherhatatonceandsaid:"Idon'twantahatthatmakesmelooktenyearsolderassoonasItakeitoff.Showmesomemorehats!"
I'MNOTHAVINGITALLCUTOFF.
Milessometimewenttothebarber'sduringworkinghourstohavehishaircut.Butthiswasagainsttheofficerules:clerkshadtohavetheirhaircutintheirowntime.WhileMileswasatthebarber'soneday,themanageroftheofficecameinbychancetohavehisownhaircutandsatjustbesidehim.
"Hello,Miles,"themanagersaid."Iseethatyouarehavingyourhaircutinofficetime."
"Yes,sir,Iam,"admittedMilescalmly."Yousee,sir,itgrowsinofficetime."
"Notallofit,"saidthemanageratonce."Someofitgrowsinyourowntime."
"Yes,sir,that'squitetrue."AnsweredMilespolitely,"butI'mnothavingitallcutoff."
Buttheteachercried
Thesix-year-oldJohnwasterriblyspoiled.Hisfatherknewit,buthisgrandmadotedonhim.Hehardlyleftherside.Andwhenhewantedanything,heeithercriedorthrewatempertantrum.Thencamehisfirstdayofschool,hisfirstdayawayfromhisgrandmother'slovingarms.
Whenhecamehomefromschoolhisgrandmamethimatthedoor.
"Wasschoolallright?"sheasked,"Didyougetalongallright?didyoucry?"
"Cry?"Johnasked."No,Ididn'tcry,buttheteacherdid!"
Thedifferencebeeenmenandwomen
Jockwasdrivingupasteep,narrow,tortuous,Scottishmountainroad.Awomanwasdrivingdownthesameroadintheoppositedirection.
Astheypasseachotherthewomanleantoutthewindowandshouted:"PIG!!"
Jockimmediatelyleantouthiswindowandrepliedwith"BITCH!!"
Theyeachcontinueontheirway,butasJockroundedthenextcornerheranintoapiginthemiddleoftheroad....
TheClock
HillaryClintondiedandwenttoheaven.AsshestoodinfrontofSt.PeteratthePearlyGatesshesawahugewallofclocksbehindhim.
Sheasked,"Whatareallthoseclocks?"
StPeteranswered,"ThoseareLie-Clocks.EveryoneonEarthhasaLie-Clock.Everytimeyouliethehandsonyourclockwillmove."
"Oh,"saidHillary,"whoseclockisthat?"
"That'smotherTheresa's.Thehandshavenevermovedindicatingthatshenevertoldalie."
"Whoseclockisthat?""That'sAbrahamLincoln'sclock.ThehandshaveonlymovedicetellingusthatAbeonlytold2liesinhisentirelife."
"Whereisbill'sclock?"Hillaryasked.
"Bill'sclockisinJesus'office.Heisusingitasaceilingfan."
OneEngineLeft
A747washalfwayacrosstheAtlanticwhenthecaptaingotontheloudspeaker,"Attention,passengers.Wehavelostoneofourengines,butwecancertainlyreachLondonwiththethreewehaveleft.Unfortunately,wewillarriveanhourlateasaresult."
Shortlythereafter,thepassengersheardthecaptain'svoiceagain,"Guesswhat,folks.Wejustlostourthirdengine,butpleasebeassuredwecanflywithonlyone.WewillnowarriveinLondonthreehourslate."
Atthispoint,onepassengerbecamefurious."ForPete'ssake,"heshouted,"Ifweloseanotherengine,we'llbeuphereallnight!"
InthemorningMr.smithesintothegardenatthebackofhishouse.Heseesmuchsnow(雪)inthegarden.Mr.smithwantstotakehiscarout,soheasksamantocleantheroadfromhisgarage(车库)tothegate(大门).Hesaystotheman,”Don'tthrowanysnowonthatside.Itwilldamage(损坏)flowersinthestreet,orthepolicemanwille.”Thenhegoesout.
Whenheesback,theroadisclean.Thereisnosnowontheflowers,onthewallorinthestreet.Butwhenheopenthegarage,heseesthegarageisfullofsnow(被雪充满),thesnowfromtheroad,andhiscarisunderthesnow!
AbeautifulyoungblondewomanboardsaplanetoLAwithaticketforthecoachsection.Shelooksattheseatsincoachandthenlooksaheadtothefirstclassseats.Seeingthatthefirstclassseatsappeartobemuchlargerandmorefortable,shemovesforwardtothelastemptyone.Theflightattendantchecksherticketandtellsthewomanthatherseatisincoach.
Theblondereplies,"I'myoung,blondeandbeautiful,andI'mgoingtosithereallthewaytoLA."
Flustered,theflightattendantgoestothecockpitandinformsthecaptainoftheblondeproblem.Thecaptaingoesbackandtellsthewomanthatherassignedseatisincoach.
Again,theblondereplies,"I'myoung,blondeandbeautiful,andI'mgoingtosithereallthewaytoLA."
Thecaptaindoesn'twanttocauseamotion,andsoreturnstothecockpittodiscusstheblondewiththeco-pilot.Theco-pilotsaysthathehasablondegirlfriend,andthathecantakecareoftheproblem.Hethengoesbackandbrieflywhisperssomethingintotheblonde'sear.
Sheimmediatelygetsup,says,"Thankyousomuch,"hugstheco-pilot,andrushesbacktoherseatinthecoachsection.Thepilotandflightattendant,whowerewatchingwithraptattention,togetherasktheco-pilotwhathehadsaidtothewoman.
Hereplies,"Ijusttoldherthatthefirstclasssectionisn'tgoingtoLA."
英语幽默笑话：
一：SheDidn"tSayAnything
AmotherandsonwerewashingdisheswhilethefatheranddaughterwerewatchingTVintheroom.Suddenly,therewasacrashofbreakingdishes,thenpletesilence.
Thegirllookedatherfatherandsaid,“Itwasmom”。
“Howdoyouknow?”askedherfather.
“Shedidn"tsayanything.”
二：IHaveTurnedItOver
Awomansaidtoherhu***and,“dear,lookatoursheet!It"stoodirty.Wouldyouliketowashitnow?”
Themanlookedatthesheetandthenthoughtforawhileandthensaid,“Idon"tthinkit"snecessary.Wecanturnthesheetover.Isthatallright?”
三、40overLilotusheartdiseasearisessuddenly,isescortedtothehospitalfirstaid.Theconditionextremelytoobad,theLilotusfeltoneselfnearlyallalreadydied.
Intherescue,theLilotushasheardGod'ssoundsuddenly:"Youcannotdie,youalsomaylivefor45years6months02days,hasthecouragetogoonliving!"
Certainly,theresultwastheLilotusmiracleisrevived.Afterthebodyrecovers,theLilotusthoughtoneselfalsocanliveformorethan40years,then□hasanxiouslyisleavingthehospital,firstrepairstheface,thenmakesupthelip,thenistheprosperouschest,finallyisthethinabdomen,continuouslyhasundergone4co***etologysurgeriesaltogether,thenwascalledthespecializedhairstylisttovisittheservice,changedhassentthecolor,hasmadethenewtidehairstyle,theentirestaturelookedat□theyoungseveralyearsold.
Afterlastthereshapingsurgerypletes,theLilotusthenhappilyhandledleftthehospitaltheprocedure,□thoughtactuallytheambulancewhichrapidly驶过by撞死intheentrance.
Aftertheheaven,theLilotushasbeenangryinterrogatesGod:"SinceyouhadsaidIalsomaylivefor45years,thenyoushouldnoteattheword."
Godawkwardly耸了耸肩,replies:"Reallyissorry,atthattime,thevehiclehitwhenyou......Ihavenotrecognizedamyou."
英语笑话这里面有的，可以看看：
sxuu/loveu/Article/english/yyxx/200508/22000
英语幽默
双关歇后语：）~
sxszjzx/~t207/wht_2
Teacher:Whyareyoulateforschooleverymorning?
Tom:EverytimeIetothecorner,asignsays,"School-Goslow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
DoYouKnowMyWork？
Onenightahotelcaughtfire，andthepeoplewhowerestayinginitranoutintheirnightclothes．
Twomenstoodoutsideandlookedatthefire．
“BeforeIcameout，”saidone，“Iranintosomeoftheroomsandfoundalotofmoney．Peopledon'tthinkofmoneywhenthey'reafraid．Whenanyoneleavespapermoneyinafire，thefireburnsit．SoItookallthebillsthatIcouldfind．NoonewillbepoorerbecauseItookthem．”
“Youdon'tknowmywork，”saidtheother．
“Whatisyourwork？”
“I'mapoliceman．
“Oh！”criedthefirstman．Hethoughtquicklyandsaid，“Anddoyouknowmywork？”“No，”saidthepoliceman．
“I'mawriter．I'malwaystellingstoriesaboutthingsthatneverhappened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Whoisthelaziest
Father:Well,Jack,Italkedwithyourteachertoday.AndnowIwanttoaskyouaquestion,Whoisthelaziestpersoninyourclass?
Jack:Idon`tknow,father.
Father:Oh,think!Whenotherboysandgirlsarereadingandwirting,whositsquietlyandonlywatchhowotherpeopleword?
Jack:Ourteacher,father.
更多的请点击参考资料链接。
谢谢！
英语课堂上的幽默笑话
英语课堂上的幽默笑话
笑话指引人发笑的小故事。我整理的英语课堂上的幽默笑话相关内容，希望大家喜欢!
英语课堂上的幽默笑话篇1One
小明上英文课时跟老师说：MayIgotothetoilet?
老师说：Goahead.
小明就坐了下来。
过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：MayIgotothetoilet?
老师说：Goahead.
小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗?怎么不去?
小明说：你没听老师说“去你个头”啊!
Two
某日，小明学习了howtospellit?这一句型。回家后,妈妈看见他手上的玩具表，问道：
妈妈：What’sonyourhand?
小明：Watch.
妈妈：Howtospellthat?
小明：T-H-A-T~
Three
某日，老师教小涛，英语中，姓氏可以放在名字后面。小明放学后碰到一个外国人，于是他勇敢地上去与外国人对话。
小明：Howareyou?MynameisHongTaoLiu.
外国人：Oh,mygod!我还是方片七呢!
Four
一日，小明心情有很好，于是他夸赞英语老师漂亮。
小明：MissJiang,youareverybeautiful.
老师听后心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
小明心想：老师的意思就是“Where?Where?"，天哪，还有这样的人，非要追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底：
"Everywhere,everywhere."
老师：……
Five
小明刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：Iamsorry.
老外应道：Iamsorrytoo.
小明听后又道：Iamsorrythree.
老外不解，问：Whatareyousorryfor?
小明无奈，道：Iamsorryfive.
Six
一日，小明上课打磕睡，于是英语老师向小明提问。
老师：小明，Howareyou是什么意思?
小明心想：how是怎么，you是你，于是回答“怎么是你?”
老师很生气，又问：“那Howoldareyou?是什么意思?”
小明心想：old是老的，于是回答怎么老是你?”
英语课堂上的幽默笑话篇2心不在焉的老师
AnAbsentMindedProfessorAnotoriouslyabsentmindedprofessorwasonedayobservedwalkingalongthestreetwithonefootcontinuallyinthegutter，theotheronthepavement.Apupilmeetinghimsaid：“Goodevening，professor.Howareyou?“Well，”answeredtheprofessor，“IthoughtIwasallrightwhenIlefthome，butnowIdon'tknowwhat'sthematterwithme.I'vebeenlimpingforthelasthalfhour.”
有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。一个碰见他的学生说：“晚安，老师。您怎么了?”“啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”
英语课堂上的幽默笑话篇3谁的儿子最伟大
Themothersoffourpriestsgottogetherandwerediscussingtheirsons."Mysonisamonsignor,"saidthefirstproudwoman."Whenheentersaroom,peoplesay,'Hello,Monsignor'."Thesecondmotherwenton,"Mysonisabishop.Whenheentersaroom,peoplesay,'Hello,YourExcellency'."
"Mysonisacardinal."continuedthenextone."Whenheentersaroom,peoplesay,'Hello,YourEminence'.
"Thefourthmotherthoughtforamoment."Mysonissix-foot-tenandweighs300pounds,"shesaid."Whenheentersaroom,peoplesay,'Oh,myGod'!"
四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的.儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。”
第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。”“我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”
第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!”
英语课堂上的幽默笑话篇4为什么六怕七呢?
Q:Whywassixscaredofseven?
A:Becauseseven"ate"nine.
问题：为什么六怕七呢?
回答：因为七连九都能吃掉呢!
(笑点：本应该是seveneightnine,但是利用了发音相同，将eight用ate(吃)替换掉了。)
用“beans(豆子)”造句
Ateacheraskedherstudentstousetheword"beans"inasentence."Myfathergrowsbeans,"saidonegirl."Mymothercooksbeans,"saidaboy.Athirdstudentspokeup,"Weareallhumanbeans."
一名老师让学生们利用单词“beans(豆子)”造句，其中一个女孩说“我爸爸种豆子”。另外一个同学说“我妈妈炒豆子”。第三名学生说“我们是人类”。
(笑点：老师让用的单词是beans，豆子的意思，结果，第三个学生将beings和beans搞混了，因为发音相同。)
两块蛋糕
Tom:Mom,canIhavetwopiecesofcake,please?
Mom:Certainlytakethispieceandcutittwo!
汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗?
妈妈：当然可以，拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!
;有哪些英语小笑话给我来十个(越短越好)
1、英语笑话（一）
老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”
小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？
小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！
2、英语笑话（二）
某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！
3、英语笑话（三）
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
4、英语笑话（四）
话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」
轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
5、英语笑话（五）
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry.
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
6、英语笑话（六）
一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“How Much？”出租车司机说：“1000！”
日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
7、英语笑话（七）
传说克林顿和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞错了，把克林顿送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地狱。发现错误后上帝马上改了回来，路上二人相遇。 精彩继续教皇：感谢上帝，我终于能见到圣母玛利亚了（Virgin Maria）. 克林顿（坏笑中）：Sorry，it"s too late.
8、英语笑话（八）
小强去看电影，到了电影售票处，发现一个老外和售票小姐连说带比得好半天，就自告奋勇的上前做翻译，售票小姐说：麻烦你告诉她，现在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要看要站着看。
小强转头就对老外说：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see.
老外回答说:Sorry I don’t understand your English.
小强就对售票小姐说：哦，他说他不懂英文....
踩了一个老外的脚，为了显示咱国家是有名的礼仪之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是礼貌有加，就来个sorry too.
two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中国人还不是得礼尚往来？！~那就I am sorry three~ 这下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for?
晕，还有完没完啊，还FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，Iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~）
9、英语笑话（九）
我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：“hello，你妈是猴儿。”老外用纯正的天津话说：“你妈是大猩猩！”
10、英语笑话（十）
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten mytongue! "
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
